How’s the baby doing?

It’s my least favorite, most asked question. Working at a school parents see you pregnant one year and not the next school year. They think you’ve had a baby not that you’ve had one die.

So many things run through my head when someone’s asks;

my baby died, so not so good

that’s not nice, you can’t say that

be nice

don’t say that

say nothing

don’t be awkward

don’t make them feel bad

don’t make them feel uncomfortable

In the end I️ pretend they are referring to my two year old, give them a quick response and leave as soon as i can.

I’ve just recently realized that I️ am feeding into my own worst fear. I am constantly afraid that Gunner will be forgotten and here I am ignoring and opportunity to keep his memory alive. Here I️ am choosing to ignore the real question.

God has really been showing and teaching me a lot in this season of my least favorite question. I️ may be really outside the box here but what I️ choose my answer to be reminds me of John 10:10 were Jesus is reminding us that the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. When I️ choose to avoid talking about Gunner I️ am letting the enemy win. I️ am letting him steal the gift of sharing the memory of my sometimes painful, always beautiful miracle angel baby. This is a triggering question that brings up so many feelings but I️ can turn those feelings and my answer over to God. I️ can use this pain for God’s glory. My answer can help defeat my fear of people forgetting Gunner. My answer can give glory to God and keep Gunner’s memory strong.

In my non-answer or when I️ avoid the true answer I️ am giving in and letting the enemy steal this gift of keeping his memory alive.

My baby died but the answer doesn’t have to end there. So, to answer your question, ” How is the baby doing?”

He is doing better than all of us I️ believe. Dancing in God’s throne room, holding down heaven until his mama can see him again.

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Triggers

Thanksgiving is the first big family oriented holiday with you being gone. My mind keeps telling me that I should be here with you, my family should be gathered around you. But, you aren’t here.

People who I️ have connected with through this pain always talk about different things that are triggers for pain and grief to creep back in. I️ am realizing how big holidays are my newest trigger.

I️ spend the morning driving up to Tampa in prayer. Praying for God to replace my feelings of sadness with the joy in knowing that I️ have a beautiful family focused on each other. Praying for God to continually remind me that my family has t forgotten about Gunner. Prayers of thankfulness that I️ know he is up in heaven celebrating alongside Jesus.

Sadness and pain are a part of this temporary home. Rely on God through all. Choose to see the good. Choose joy over all. Through all things praise Him.

Peace of mind. 

Ever since Gunner went home to Jesus I have been trying to immerse myself in God’s word // I find comfort in His word, in His promises // when I read God’s word it gives me the comforting feeling of reading to Gunner //reading the Word feels as though I am reading Gunner a good night story // gives me a feeling of peace and comfort // this must be the gift of peace of mind and heart that He spoke of in John 14:27 ‘

#gunnerjaxdiamond #stillbornstillloved #momtoanangel #mybabyboy #mylittlestlove #mommysangel

Be still. 


Rocking my littlest to bed is the only time I feel like I am still. God tells us we need only be still. But it feels like something that’s nearly impossible for me to do. .

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Honestly, I don’t know why I find it so hard to be still. I think it’s like, ” if I keep going, I won’t have time to think about the fact that I lost my son” or “if I don’t stop I won’t have to think about how sad I am”. 

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But tonight, God helped me to realize that it is so important to just be still. Rocking Legend to bed I could hear the dishwasher running, the air running and the washer running. Everything is running. It’s moving. It’s working. In that moment of being still I am realizing that God is here and He is keeping all things working all things moving. No, I’m not talking about Him keeping all my appliances running. I’m talking about life, He is keeping me going, keeping my life moving. Every day is hard but each day is a new day to keep going. God keeps everything moving. God showed me He is moving in miraculous ways and He used my moment of stillness to do that. 

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Be still and know. 

A mess of life.

E184FE34-0215-48B0-8A1B-550ED94D01E2// L I F E is a mess. Messy moments, messy seasons. Just a big mess.

Such a mess that:
You go from having a baby to not.
From hearing a heartbeat to hearing only the silent echoes of an ultrasound machine.
From having a future as a boy mom of three to restructuring your life as a boy mom of two and an angel baby.
From tears of joy that there are 10 weeks left till Gunner is born to tears of grief for the future with you that is now gone.
Life is such a mess that your five year starts old sees you and your husband crying and comes to your rescue with his sweet little hands hugging the both of you.

Yes, life is messy and it hurts. But focus on the beautiful moments in the midst of the mess focus on the moments that God gives you to remember to always choose joy.
Choose to focus on:
Your five your old praying over his little brother
Your husband who always know when the tears are about to flow so he swoops in with his strong shoulder to cry on
Your husband reading the story of Jonah to your little one
And most importantly focus on the beautiful God filled moment of your five year old pointing towards the sky with as much excited as he could muster and say “Look, I can see God and Gunner up there!”

Everyone’s mess looks different but all I ask is the focus on the message among the mess. God is always there. Joy is always there–even in your mess.

If there is anything that I have made sure to take from this hurt is just that. Gunner, you have given mommy such a gift–a gift to always see the joy and to always see God.
A friend wrote to me yesterday and she said the most beautiful words that I needed to hear. She told me, “People spend decades of their lives, hoping to leave an impact on just one person. Gunner has already touched so many.” What a beautiful reminder of God and his great love. A sweet baby, home with God sooner than his mama wanted, has touch so many with his short beautiful life.